I Should Be Able to Stab You

If you fail to merge into traffic without coming to a dead stop, I should be able to stab you.

If you think talking really loudly helps when talking to people from another country, I should be able to stab you.

If you insist on saying "as in Paul" after your Ps and "as in cat" after your Cs every time you spell out words, I should be able to stab you.

If you refuse to listen to what I am saying until I am almost done talking and then say, "wait… WHAT?" and make me start all over, I should be able to stab you.

If you are in customer service, but cannot provide service of any kind to your customers, I should be able to stab you.

If you stop in the middle of a grocery store aisle and let your 14 barefoot kids climb all over the basket while you pick out your favorite flavor of Slim Jims, thereby preventing me from passing and forcing me to say a quiet prayer thanking God for my birth control pills, I should be able to stab you.

If you scream in public and you are not being attacked, I should be able to stab you.

If you ever say to me: "must be nice…" I should be able to stab you.

If you approach me in a mall and say "excuse me, ma'am, would you like to try…" I should be able to stab you.

If you drive a mini-van. Ever. I should be able to stab you.

If you ask rude personal questions like "how much did that cost?" or "is there a lot of fat in your diet?" I should be able to stab you.

If you are still wearing scrunchies, stirrup pants, or anything Be-Dazzled, I should be able to stab you.

And Finally,

If I ask you a question and you respond with a blank stare and a "huh?" For the good of the species, I should be able to stab you