and what do we tell your sister?

I do not sleep anymore. There are no breaks. No pauses. Just being. One long, straight line of being. I hurt all the time. Sometimes it's just a headache and sometimes every muscle in my body tightens as if around a coil in my chest until it is so full I cannot breathe. I have tremors and spasms. In a moment, the only thing that feels right is to flail some part of my body as violently as I can. My legs are stiff. My arms are numb. My hands don't behave as I would like them to. I am always tired. I spend all my time trying to figure out how I feel and why I feel it and what I want and why I want it and all I know for sure is I don't care anymore. I simultaneously fear dementia and long to turn my mind off. I want to stop. I am addicted to my own poison. I suck it out of my freshest wound and swallow it down again. I'm not right. I'm not OK. And I'm not getting better. I just stare into the darkness, waiting for my eyes to adjust or for my brain to come up with a better idea. Just stare. Until it's time to go through the next set of motions. Haven't had an original thought maybe ever. I have been done. I am so 1999. My heart beats too hard and too fast and it scares me. I care too soon and too much and it scares me. I miss her. It was always times like these when she would sit with me, sensing everything and saying nothing. She understood. She was my best friend. She was my role model. She was the kind of friend I try to be for everyone but myself. Ever since I had to be the one to make the decision to put her to sleep forever, I do not sleep anymore.