Isn't it romantic?

I don't believe in romance. As a genre of literature, yes. As an umbrella category of languages, certainly. But for today's exercise: as an all-encompassing description of thoughtful gestures made between two people who love each other, not even close. The way most people misuse the word today, romance is what passes for love before we are sure enough of ourselves or the other person to be vulnerable enough to actually, actively love.

The people at Miriam-Webster agree with me. I looked up romance in my dictionary, (copyright 1951) and found ten definitions. None of them mentions candle light, jewelry, horse-drawn carriages or expensive dinners. Options include "1. A long narrative verse… 2. A fictitious or fantastic tale… 3. A novel emphasizing adventure… 4. The type of writing comprising such stories… 5. Happenings so fantastic or unusual they are as those of such writings… 6. The quality or excitement of adventure or love… 7. The tendency to derive pleasure from such happenings… 8.(my personal favorite) an exaggeration or falsehood 9. A love affair (refers to the adventure or excitement of the affair, not the collective of actions making up such an affair and if you also look up 'affair', it is usually connotated as short-lived exchange) and 10. In music, a short, lyrical, sentimental piece." No flowers; no Godiva; no Hallmark.

I was having this discussion with two friends of mine over lunch today; one male, one female. Ultimately, they agreed with me that the whole romantic gesture thing is just that- a gesture. However they both insisted on both the validity of the word 'romance' as well as the value of 'romantic' gestures in their own relationships.

My female friend cited a recent trip her husband had made to the corner store. He was sent on a mission for toothpaste or paper towels or some such mundane grocery item but noticed a bag of M&Ms at the checkout. Remembering they were his wife's favorite candy, he added them to his other items and brought them home to her. She described this thoughtfulness as 'romantic.'
"But what if I do the same thing for you?" I asked. "What if I go to lunch at that place that makes the great sweet tea and I bring you back a Styrofoam cup full of it just because I know how much you like it; surely you wouldn't call that romantic, but what's the difference?"

"The difference," my male friend offered, "is you two aren't in a romantic relationship."

Fail. That argument does not work literarily or mathematically.

You cannot define a word using that word. A gesture is not romantic because you did it with romantic intent, or within the confines of a romantic relationship. In my Latin (original Romance language) dictionary, the English word 'romance' is translated to 'fabula', the fabulous tales of adventure and fantasy, and 'amator', literally, "friend or lover. " Anyone you love. There is a reason we have 4 trillion words for love across world languages. We should all be doing small, quiet, thoughtful things for all the people we love.

A kind deed is a kind deed, no matter for whom it is done or within what relationship. A three is a three no matter how it functions or what plane it is on. Under no set of assumed givens does a three become a seven. Granted, intent matters. Multiplying by a three will yield very different results than subtracting three. However, the value of three remains three and intent is seldom parallel to perception, definition or law.

If a man who does not usually open car doors for women suddenly does so on a first date, he is trying to impress her. Could be because he likes her; could be because he wants to get laid and thinks this will help. Either way, the motives are selfish and the actions short-lived. However, if her were reared to open car doors for women he would do so for all women; dates, friends, sisters, mom… No female is exempt and the actions are neither selfishly-motivated nor short-lived. They are a part of his character and manners. The action of opening the car door is not a romantic action when he does it on a date and a platonic action when he picks up his mom from the airport.

Furthermore, what defines a relationship – or a perception of a relationship – as platonic or romantic? It is not limited to physical encounters. I have hugged and kissed most of my friends. That did not alter our platonic relationship and magically put us in a romantic relationship. These classifications cannot even be delineated by the presence or absence of a sexual element.

So what, then, decidedly segregates a romantic relationship from a platonic one? As of yet I cannot answer that question. You either love someone or you don't. You're either paying attention or you're not. I don't believe there is a set of qualifying factors that make a relationship romantic or that any such set of scenarios quantify romance. It cannot be defined. It does not exist. Therefore, I don't believe in romance.

"Deceiving others. That is what the world calls romance."
~ Oscar Wilde